Operation Pendulum

Quite often I have faced this question, about me being calm, patient and me facing almost every situation with a wide smile. Today, am on my way to reveal that secret of mine, also a little tribute on my part to the man to whom I owe this quality. A man admired and idolised by a huge part of the world for some other quality he acquires, I opted his patience to be admired (I do admire his most known quality too and believe I can remotely be an ounce of what he acquires).

It was not very long ago, I was very young then. There was arrogance in all I do, and there was impatience and impertinence. I remember that day very clearly, January 17, 1997, one of the most special days of my cricket playing days.  It was a match day as we call it. We were divided into two teams to play against each other for selection purpose. And before going into the match, it was made clear to me, however good or bad I perform, my selection is impossible, I was ripped of my wicketkeeper’s slot, asked to vacate my no 3. position and bat down the order to make things more clear. A lot of things were running in my mind, I didn’t know, what was the feeling, all I knew is, I have to go in and play. At the end of the opposition innings, we were needed to score 173 runs within a day and a little to bat on.  Our innings started, and within 7 over’s we were reduced to 28 for 2 wickets.  And that same moment, my impatience erupted again, so much so that I went in to bat without even looking at who is in next. Thankfully we tackled the rest of the day without any further damage, and I could remember the ball hitting me twice on my wrist, the pain (it was a January afternoon) and the tough looks at the dressing room.  The pain was horrible, and the discussions were such that I would not go in to bat the next day because am injured. At that point of time, I started to think the same.

And that was day, while at home, I put on the television, I saw a legend emerging to trigger a change of scenario of Indian Cricket for next decades to come.  That was the second day of 3^rd Test between India and South Africa being played at Johannesburg. I saw a gentleman named Rahul Dravid, scoring a patient; gritty and hardworking 148 against a scintillating South African pace attack and change my life forever. For I started to believe in the power of patience and hard work. Next day was my day probably (not talking about my heroics here). I headed to the dressing room, padded up, and yes waited for my batting partner to get ready (one thing I never used to do before!) and went out to bat. We batted the whole day, sailing towards the target, and to my awe I never attacked the ball, even if it was a wayward one. And just when we needed 3 runs, my excited batting partner came up to me and said, “It’s your game mate, hit it!!!” It was only then, I gathered all my strength and hit a stellar six. And as I saw some of my young teammates running towards me, I stood my ground, strangely, for a person known for his after match reactions, screams and antics.  Later, when we all walked backed to the dressing room; I saw tough looks being changed to its smoother replica. I packed my kit, looked at the celebrating team and walked away holding my head high, and promised myself to never enter that particular dressing room ever. And that was the beginning of what I am today, patient and calm.

I don’t know, if someone whom we have never met, or have a very remote probability of meeting in this life can ever change someone’s life forever. But this gentleman named Rahul Dravid unquestionably did change my life forever. Take a bow Sir! Probably you played a pauper when the Prince was roaring, played the second boy of Indian Cricket when the God of Cricket was hitting them to the stands and played the second fiddle when the Very Very Special was building monuments, but for me you are a true hero, not only for all the cricketing skills you master and your contribution to Indian and World Cricket, but for all the times of patience, consistency and calmness, for all the times I could look up to you and regain my self belief. Take a bow Sir!

P.S. I’m sure, the ‘my story’ part of this write up is very confusing. What I want to denote through this is not my heroics but a small message that actually inspiration can be gathered from anyone and anywhere. We just have to look around to see it smiling at us.

The Unnoticed Tales!

Study while others are sleeping, work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing ~~ William Arthur Ward

The after effects of the year 2011 are yet to fade. I waited and waited long for that ripple, that little shift that would help me get back on track. And one fine day, when this opportunity knocked I actually had that apprehension whether I could do justice to the task I’m assigned. For a social animal like me, it was tough to stay away from any public appearance for 3 months. Karbi Youth Festival turned out to be a life changing experience for me. When I was asked to join the team as one of the official photographers I was both excited and nervous at the same time. Only thing that came to my mind is, I need to do well, if not for me, then for the people who wants me to do good. And to my awe, I actually did a good job. And as I am no celebrity, I don’t have a podium to address a crowd and thank the people who stood by me, all I would like to say is my world is a beautiful place because of you all, only a mere ‘thank you’ is not enough to express what you people mean to me. I won’t say this is the best I can do, but with you people around I can always compete myself.  One unnoticed tale of my life and I vow, it won’t go unnoticed.

This is for you Santanu, Kasturi, Angana, for being there during tough times. I still remember the day when I dropped my camera and every word you said to make me calm down, remember how you people pepped me up saying positive things. Santa, I wish you were there beside me clicking all those amazing memories. Kastu, Angu...I have no words to appreciate the angelic ways you cared for me.  This is for you Ranjan, for believing in my abilities and going ahead with my plans. Together we’ll weave many more dreams. This is for you Him, for being there always in your own ways. This is for you Audi, I still remember that chat we had at the Brahmaputra riverside and you were so clear always that you wanted me back on track. For you Achyut, while you are busy thanking others for liking your work, I thank you for all those inspiring clicks of yours. For you Jumi, for all those awe inspiring chats we had. For you Kaku, for you always wanted the smiling me back, and here I am. Remember, you promised a photo shoot of you and Jiya. For you Sima, situations made me so reluctant of making any public appearance that I missed your Big Day. I can’t compensate for that, but then I know, you would understand my plea. For you Alok, Pallav... many things would not have been possible without you two around. For you Kulajit, Krishanu, Bhavita, Sakshi, Shweta and Kalyan. I remember Kalyan saying, “naya chonga (lens) liya hain, agar photo kharab ayaa, toh chonga le lunga.” For you my partners in creative crimes Rassmin Da, Bhaskar, Bitupon, Sudipto, Sweta. For you Palki, Pallavi, Pallabi(Maina) for always inducting the faith in me, for being tough when I was stupid and for all the care you have shown. For you Jipi, Liza...for I can always look up to you and you whisper the reality to me. For you Yashomana, for all those did you get my mail? Did you check the photos? Are they good? And for always coming up with an inspiring reply. For you Pallabi (Siku), for all the fables and conversations. I can’t hate destiny more for allowing me to spend so less time with you ‘soul sister’.

...and to all of u people who loved my work, inspired me and also criticised me when needed! You people make me what I am.

Mud and Glory

So the first quarter of the year 2012 is already gone, and as usual I’m not up to the promise I made myself, that I’ll make sure to write at least a note every month. Finally it’s time to jot down what made my 2011 memorable and not so memorable.

Oh!! What a roller coaster ride it was! Another year is gone by in a whim. It is actually amazing, to see where life makes you stand at different times, seems like sci-fi movie. In a moment you are here, in a moment you are gone. It takes a fraction of a second to turn super zero from super hero. So much so like our Indian Cricket Team. We bleed blue, when they brought the World Cup home, and when they toured England/Australia and lost, it was again the same us, who wrote them down. It is indeed the sarcasm of human life, Mud and Glory; both are integral and corresponding part of our life. The year 2011 was more of low than the high. At times life appeared to be so empty, I’ve learned how it feels to hit rock bottom and still push hard to survive. As if life is a patch of quicksand, the more I tried to come out, and the more it gulped me in. Time, things, people never seemed to be cascading. Thoughts strayed, questions unanswered.

But consequently, there is also a good side of it. May be not in the best order, but things happened.

There are many people I need to thank for last year’s journey, without you people around it would have been more uneven.

Thank you Kulajit, Krishanu, Bhabita, Shweta, Sakshi & Kalyan. Minutes turned into hours, and hours into day, days into month. Never knew, time could fly so fast. Courtesy you people! Leg pulling sessions, movies and off course a thousand unexecuted plans became part of life. Thank you Kasturi, Santanu, Angana, Kalyan, Achyut, Kaku, Himjyoti, Maina Da. All the rooftop parties, the conversations, the cooking sessions, the laugh riot, pranks, photo sessions made my Delhi stay real special. Jumi, Audi your presence was royally missed. Love you all! Thank you Jiya. Can’t thank and love you enough angel, surely you are one. It was only after talking to you; I could complete my project on the stipulated timeline.  Wish I could spend more time with you. Thank you Mukuta. For being the silence on my bad days and my raving fan on my good days. Thank you Tusti. Loved calling you ‘Puwali’ and glad to see you grow up, also learned that I should not hide behind my smile often. Thank you Sneha. Tikli, that’s what I call you. But most of the time, it was you, who guided me like an elder sis. Thank you for being the illumination whenever I needed. Thank you Pallabi for making me believe that I could tell stories that people would want to hear. My creativity may have strayed, but at least the writer in me is still on pursuit. Thank you Pallavi for all the pep talk, food talk, unending chats, laugh riot and off course the odd tough words to push me forward. Thank you Alok, Anannya, Debasish, Debarsish, Liza, Jipi, Sima, Mitu, Pallav, Siba, Sang, Plabita, Palki, Bhaskar, Bitupon, Shamim, Sweta. Can’t thank you enough my lazy angels, my punching bags and what not. You people always let me see myself through you. Loved looking back at you. Thank you Baa, for blessing us with Jill. It’s amazing to see you taking care of your bundle of joy with so much love and care. Thank you Ritu. For all the support and encouragement, because of you DEF happened to me. How can I forget my ‘Baccha Party’! Thank you Babu, Bablu, Nayana, Sanskriti, Abhinab, Augustya, Nandita & Gargee. You people never failed to make me feel young. Loved being your cook.

Under the circumstances, best wishes hardly seem enough. Thanks are in order. Thank you for your companionship, for your stamina, your wisdom, and a hundred and one laughs. I also enjoyed looking back at you and your shining face.

Never was so excited to let go something. 2011, now that you are finally gone, along with all the hiccups, you also gave some savouring memories. Hope the days to follow will have bright lights ahead and life will keep smiling at us in all we do and deserve. Grateful for my family, for my true friends and for all the love I receive. So much more than I deserve, or can ever repay. Happy 2012.

Of A Delight And Missing It!

“Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here!”  ~~ A Dumbledore

Power? Checked! Cable? Checked! Instruments? Checked! Sound? Checked! Monitor? Checked! 1, 2, 3 ...Go!

How can I forget this journey, we started at count 3? Despite all the hiccups, technical or human faults it was always fun and memorable. It is magic, it is celestial! It’s beyond what we humans do. It’s timeless, it’s endless and it’s immortal.

For me, it’s a delight. I always loved being there, whenever I got a chance.  I relish being on board. I somehow felt that divine intervention. So much so that I don’t even remember being nervous. Yes, that adrenaline rush was always there, but I never panicked, even if I was half prepared for a show. I was always the first one to get into the stage and the last one to leave.

Just prior to that journey, we all belonged to a different world. A world very few people have seen. Green Room! One can see various kinds of people there. Someone praying, someone silent, someone cribbing, someone shouting, someone babbling, someone nervous, someone panicking, someone visiting the washroom every now and then, someone checking his dress and someone like me, pepping up everyone. It is a world different from anything else.

I cannot talk enough about our families, teachers, mentors who made us, what we are as musicians! Someone came from a musical background, someone’s family was not supportive, someone rich, someone poor, someone didn’t tell their parents, someone was ill; someone had a fight with girlfriend. It was an amalgamation of myriad backgrounds and emotions. But on board, we felt only one feeling. That is Music! It’s like the same blood running through our veins; we spoke, played, and enjoyed the same universal language.

As I stand here today, all I want to put across is the remarkable journey I travelled with music. I miss being at the realm with it. I miss the animated me, who always used to pep up others, the excitement which used to begin right from the practice session to the show and to the time beyond, I miss the winks, the grins, the smirks we used to give other on stage, I miss the pranks we played live, I miss the way we used to complement each other for each mistakes we made, I miss playing with those mystical mesmerizing voices and the not so mesmerizing voices, I miss that huddle where we used to pep up the nervous ones, I miss those gaze we gave each other on stage when someone was not so confident, miss the feeling when power or instruments go off, miss those electric shocks, miss the transition of emotion the mind goes through with each song, miss the euphoria involved in it, miss the bite of the tongue for every time I made a mistake or missed a beat ,  miss the chanting crowd, miss the adrenaline just before going in, miss the whole overall setting of one of the most worthwhile things I have ever been a small part of.

And I miss that never fading feeling of satisfaction...silence everywhere. And the loud buzzing sound inside my head since I left the stage. That happy feeling which did not let me sleep, did not calculate my dreams, and did not let limit myself.

Craziness Redefined!

So, I’m writing about Music again. My escape from the world. Someone once said, if a person is not touched by Music, he is either divine or insane. This statement can’t be wrong actually. Music makes us feel, makes us realize, makes us speak our unspoken feelings, makes us groove, makes us cry, makes us elate, makes us inspire. It won’t be wrong if I say, Music relates us, what we do, what we going through, what we want to do.  We actually cannot define the magic of it, it’s like a journey within us, and it gives us expression, it makes our mind travel through myriad emotions.  Music is the language of the soul. It opens the secret of life bringing peace, eliminating friction. Being at the dominion of Music, I've always felt its magic. It’s one craziness, one passion! It’s one euphoria that dominates me, most of the time when I’m at a close proximity of it. During my short and un-illustrated career as a musician I went through a few crazy incidents, even a mere thought of which makes me crazy.

To start with I remember, it was Fresher’s Social for the newcomers from Assam in Pune. It used to be one real opportunity to showcase your talent to your native people. Practice sessions were full of people, who wanted to perform. Girls accompanied by their boyfriend, so that they can approach us and convince us to get the chance for his girl. Overall a fun environment. One fun day, a girl came up with a song, she wanted to sing. Our keyboardist, Bablu Da asked, “Bhanti, tumar gaan tur scale ki?” (Which scale is your song?). The girl, stunned, waited a while and replied...” Dada, moi scale ana nai nohoi!” (I did not bring a scale with me!). We all just looked at each other with a smirk and went on with the practice session. And later, when all left we were rolling on the floor laughing. No pun intended, but we still imitate this feat, whenever we are in the middle of a boring practice.

  

Smoke N’ I: I remember growing up seeing smoke machines blowing a sage effect during live performances. So, one fine day, when the light and sound engineer asked me, if we need smoke machine for the show, I readily agreed, fantasying the feel I will go through on stage when it blows up. The ever excited me! First song of the evening, and as always we started with a traditional ‘Borgeet’. The light guy, being a local Marathi, had no clue what we were playing, blew up the smoke machine which was incidentally placed just below the stool I was sitting. And in a flash the smoke gulped me in. Trust me, for a minute or two I actually could not figure out where I was.

Dard e Disco: This event happened suddenly. Exams, accident, skinned palm everything was a part of it. So was I, not to forget SRK and Om Shanti Om. It was just a day, the movie had released. We had just one day for practice, and when the singers came in, we asked them to sing common songs, so that it doesn’t consume much time while practicing. 3-4 songs down, I saw a guy sitting in the corner, with a wide grin. Finally it was his turn, I asked generously, “Bhaity, kuntu gaan gaba?” (Which song you want to sing?). The guy retaliated, “Dada, Dard e Disco tu e gai diu, bor solise”. (I’ll sing Dard e Disco, it’s a hit) and while saying so he actually showed us some SRK steps from the song. Though that guy did not sing the song, he actually gave us some respite from the hectic practice session and my bleeding hand.

We Owned The Night: Agriculture College, Pune. It’s one grand ground where most of the concerts in Pune used to take place. The crowd capacity, the atmosphere, the intensity was always there when a concert was there. Seeing youth events like ‘Verve’ (Fergusson College Fest), I used to crave to perform on that platform. And one fine day, it happened...we performed in front of 20,000 odd people...chanting, singing and dancing with us. Good feeling isn’t it. The most amazing part about that show, the crowd gathered there to see KK, Shruti Pathak (Mar Jawaan, OST Fashion fame) and Neha Bhasin (Dhunki, OST MBKD fame) who were to perform after us. But the feeling was so amazing, that we actually forgot that we were just up to an opening act there.

Life for obvious reasons is full of such amazing moments and memories. We leave behind the moments, but the memories remain, ever cherished. And Music, it’s one immortal thing that we all need. We grow, we change but the Music remains same. After a 100 years, we won’t be alive, but the music we create, we sing, we listen will always be there.

Go, Meet The World!

They say you need to recollect and relive your good times when you are going through a bad phase. Being me, was always so easy for me, it always bordered sleepwalking. But today as I stand here, I just got the feeling that this guy, who is self inspired, who loves to inspire others to stand up to anything that comes up, didn’t stored any for himself. I still remember, how a few friends of mine, still look up to me, they say that they have this belief that I can make things look simple and easy. Some say, my smile diminishes half of their problems. But then, it’s not always easy to inspire yourself. To talk happiness to every person you meet. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them. To wear a cheerful countenance at all time as and give every living creature you meet a smile.

Standing at this state of affairs, where the heart says I should and the mind says I should not; I actually never thought I have to self motivate myself someday. As they say, one should always remember where they originate from; almost certainly I should go back to where I began.

I remember my debut. I was so damn nervous. Not talking to anyone, I just went in. And I remember, someone told me, “go in boy, and don’t make eye contact to anyone in the audience, if you feel nervous just look at us”. That was the beginning. And during the next few years, that same me, used to tell his fellow musicians, “go in there, have fun, don’t look anywhere, if you feel nervous just look at me”. 

As a musician, I know, it’s not easy to go in and give your best every time. We know our strengths and we know our flaws. But we can always improve and deliver. All we need to do is enjoy and create memories.  Today it’s our turn to go in because we are the chosen ones to do so. Let us not think too much, not over analyze, not over react, not act overtly responsible! Let’s not anyone take away this moment from us, let’s go into our own musical world where we are celebrated, slowly, savouring each moment.

Holding onto my pair of drumsticks, trying to gather all my strength, my experience, my memories and all the fun I had, this is me! Going in for the one last time! To the chanting crowd, to the cheers, to the rhythm and to the Music!

Remember Me

“If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.” ~~Tyler Hawkins in Remember Me

Being good is not always easy. You do everything for people, try to make them happy not for your own benefits but just that it will make you happy too. They smile, you smile….they cry, you cry. Probably it’s the care that’s within us speaks, the child within us weeps.

But then, we are humans and we tend to make mistakes. The strangest thing is that even after doing so many things or so much for people they ask for more. Probably today the world is so selfish that everything we do or say makes someone feel that we have some hidden reason to do so. It is actually amazing how fast friendships and relationships can go to shit. People will throw away so many years in one single day.

We do things for people…at times when they seek some help and at times when we generously offer to do. But that definitely doesn’t mean that we have a hidden agenda behind that. Probably these people didn’t see the emotion or affection that connects us to them…but after all we are humans too, we too get hurt, we too feel betrayed at times…we don’t reply or retaliate doesn’t mean that we accept every blame that’s been given to us.

I really wonder why people suddenly change after they get what they wanted. One day they are sweet, the next day they are not. One day they are here, the next day they are not. One day you are important to them, the next day you are worthless. That's how ironic things and people can be.

Frankly and very honestly speaking…where is my fault??? Being there for you at your moment of distress…sacrificing my spot of happiness for you…spending sleepless nights tackling your problems…is this what I get as a reward??? May be yes!!! I’m mean...for I think you to be same as mine…yes I’m mean ‘coz I expect the same things from you…yes I’m mean because I forget and forgive everything…your blunt blunt words, your humiliation, your sarcasm…everything. Yes I’m mean for I’m a person taken for granted always. Yes I‘m mean for I’m an idiot…a ‘Prized Idiot’. I’m prized…for being such an idiot, for trying to spread smile all around…and become a villain instead of a hero…most remarkably being villain to people who once themselves made me a hero.

Yes!!! It's my story! It’s our story! In life, we all stood on both the sides of this story.  

Notes For You

I want you to know that what I note down is often not how I feel, and at the same time altogether exactly how I feel.

Today, I have so many words to write but I just can't get them to form correctly in my head. I can't get my ideas onto paper anymore. I miss seeing my fingers fly over the keys. I miss walking out of work with a smile because I came up with the best idea. I miss the sound of rushing water, and the dappled sunbeams that drifts lazily through the trees. I miss clicking. I miss the adventures that came with the click of every frame, I miss creating that magic myself.

But I am also a person, a guy. I want to be loved and held. I want to fight and cry and kiss and laugh.

I want to laugh. I want you to make me laugh. Because you can!

And I'll to write it down and try to remember what it felt like to be in love. How it felt to be completely in love with you. I don't hold back and I will do my best to be honest. But I am an artist and an artist lives within a watchfully made fantasy. They may have a life outside of this fantasy, but to the artist that is not their reality. That is not who they are. Not truly who they are to themselves. And no one will ever know of this complex fantasy, because that's when things fall apart that cannot be put back together again.

I want to lay in the grass, I want to fall asleep in your arms. I want to feel you kiss my neck and feel your arms pull me closer to you. I want to be close to you. I want to be your mystery. I don't ever want the puzzle of you to spell it out for me.

I forgot to laugh like I used to. I forgot to jump around. I forgot to chat with my friends for long hours. I forgot how it was to go out friends. I forgot how it was to be happy and mesmerizing, because I created, clicked or wrote something nice. The colours, the nature, innocence, and beauty nothing seems to captivate me anymore.

I don't want to let you know that I drown in your memory; I don't want to let this go. Wish I had the courage to lie to you. But I don't. Because I can’t lie to you.

Come and take me away to my Dreamland again!! This land is dry, sour n rough!!