Notes For You

I want you to know that what I note down is often not how I feel, and at the same time altogether exactly how I feel.

Today, I have so many words to write but I just can't get them to form correctly in my head. I can't get my ideas onto paper anymore. I miss seeing my fingers fly over the keys. I miss walking out of work with a smile because I came up with the best idea. I miss the sound of rushing water, and the dappled sunbeams that drifts lazily through the trees. I miss clicking. I miss the adventures that came with the click of every frame, I miss creating that magic myself.

But I am also a person, a guy. I want to be loved and held. I want to fight and cry and kiss and laugh.

I want to laugh. I want you to make me laugh. Because you can!

And I'll to write it down and try to remember what it felt like to be in love. How it felt to be completely in love with you. I don't hold back and I will do my best to be honest. But I am an artist and an artist lives within a watchfully made fantasy. They may have a life outside of this fantasy, but to the artist that is not their reality. That is not who they are. Not truly who they are to themselves. And no one will ever know of this complex fantasy, because that's when things fall apart that cannot be put back together again.

I want to lay in the grass, I want to fall asleep in your arms. I want to feel you kiss my neck and feel your arms pull me closer to you. I want to be close to you. I want to be your mystery. I don't ever want the puzzle of you to spell it out for me.

I forgot to laugh like I used to. I forgot to jump around. I forgot to chat with my friends for long hours. I forgot how it was to go out friends. I forgot how it was to be happy and mesmerizing, because I created, clicked or wrote something nice. The colours, the nature, innocence, and beauty nothing seems to captivate me anymore.

I don't want to let you know that I drown in your memory; I don't want to let this go. Wish I had the courage to lie to you. But I don't. Because I can’t lie to you.

Come and take me away to my Dreamland again!! This land is dry, sour n rough!!

Blue Ink Diary

So, She gave me a Blue Ink Diary and I gave her a sad smile...it was an uneven trade, like most of the things in this relationship.

I spent the rest of the day carrying it around after she gave it to me; seriously, I didn't let it out of my sight. I’m excited. I started working on it. Hopefully it'll turn out good. I’ve given it a title and the direction will be wherever my life takes me, quotes, photos, designs, music, write ups, everything...

I loved this girl before; I love her now...I love her now, even more. With everything I have. I have abandoned all common sense and dived into this, this comfortable love that challenges both of us to expand beyond who we think we are today.  I want to keep growing with her. I never want this to end. And while there's still that rational part of me that says that this most likely will end, the rest of me is gone with hopeless abandon. And I’m loving every minute of it.  I’m going crazy; I’m planting roots, and spreading my wings. I wish to write every love line ever written.

She is the good night I hear before I go to bed, and the smile I wake up to! She drives me absolutely crazy in every imaginable way, just utterly crazy. And yet, there is that stability that says you can depend on me, it’s ok to be weak, I’m here to be your strength. She is the silence on my bad days and my raving fan on my good days, and I will spend the rest of my life indebted to her and the way she has treated me.

Knowing this might not last forever! It is here today! And I’m here today! I'll write down this love story in a Blue Ink Diary.

Smile!

Be good!

And stay safe my love!

Tonight..

“You gave me a song I learned to hum,

You showed me beauty through the windows of your soul,

And you showed me a world I've never seen!

Each, giving to each other love and giving it away,

We spent the valued time we didn’t knew was borrowed,

Cause you gave me the courage to live with yesterday,

And you gave me tomorrow.”

Tonight, when I go to sleep, I take this song with me and all the memories. I really treasure it. To me, it means caring about someone not just because they have something you want, but because you have something you want to give.

Tonight lying in my bed, I stare at the wall and try to remember you here with me, sleeping peacefully, holding my hand and not even knowing. Now looking back, every minute I wasted not being with you, I wish I could have that back. I miss you so much, I'm crying for no reason. Tonight, we didn't say goodnight like the other nights. It feels very empty like this. I hope you had a good day, a good reason for not being with me tonight to talk to me and tell me to create, write or click something. I was in bed by 12, like you wanted. I always send you a text right before sleeping (is safe in drafts) hoping that will help me dream about us...together.

It's so hard to be alone here without you. My heart hurts, thinking you're not 100% sure of being with me. My sincere words, my tears, are they not enough?

Tonight I fall asleep with dried tears on my face and all the memories next to me.

Goodnight!