Notes For You

I want you to know that what I note down is often not how I feel, and at the same time altogether exactly how I feel.

Today, I have so many words to write but I just can't get them to form correctly in my head. I can't get my ideas onto paper anymore. I miss seeing my fingers fly over the keys. I miss walking out of work with a smile because I came up with the best idea. I miss the sound of rushing water, and the dappled sunbeams that drifts lazily through the trees. I miss clicking. I miss the adventures that came with the click of every frame, I miss creating that magic myself.

But I am also a person, a guy. I want to be loved and held. I want to fight and cry and kiss and laugh.

I want to laugh. I want you to make me laugh. Because you can!

And I'll to write it down and try to remember what it felt like to be in love. How it felt to be completely in love with you. I don't hold back and I will do my best to be honest. But I am an artist and an artist lives within a watchfully made fantasy. They may have a life outside of this fantasy, but to the artist that is not their reality. That is not who they are. Not truly who they are to themselves. And no one will ever know of this complex fantasy, because that's when things fall apart that cannot be put back together again.

I want to lay in the grass, I want to fall asleep in your arms. I want to feel you kiss my neck and feel your arms pull me closer to you. I want to be close to you. I want to be your mystery. I don't ever want the puzzle of you to spell it out for me.

I forgot to laugh like I used to. I forgot to jump around. I forgot to chat with my friends for long hours. I forgot how it was to go out friends. I forgot how it was to be happy and mesmerizing, because I created, clicked or wrote something nice. The colours, the nature, innocence, and beauty nothing seems to captivate me anymore.

I don't want to let you know that I drown in your memory; I don't want to let this go. Wish I had the courage to lie to you. But I don't. Because I can’t lie to you.

Come and take me away to my Dreamland again!! This land is dry, sour n rough!!

Blue Ink Diary

So, She gave me a Blue Ink Diary and I gave her a sad smile...it was an uneven trade, like most of the things in this relationship.

I spent the rest of the day carrying it around after she gave it to me; seriously, I didn't let it out of my sight. I’m excited. I started working on it. Hopefully it'll turn out good. I’ve given it a title and the direction will be wherever my life takes me, quotes, photos, designs, music, write ups, everything...

I loved this girl before; I love her now...I love her now, even more. With everything I have. I have abandoned all common sense and dived into this, this comfortable love that challenges both of us to expand beyond who we think we are today.  I want to keep growing with her. I never want this to end. And while there's still that rational part of me that says that this most likely will end, the rest of me is gone with hopeless abandon. And I’m loving every minute of it.  I’m going crazy; I’m planting roots, and spreading my wings. I wish to write every love line ever written.

She is the good night I hear before I go to bed, and the smile I wake up to! She drives me absolutely crazy in every imaginable way, just utterly crazy. And yet, there is that stability that says you can depend on me, it’s ok to be weak, I’m here to be your strength. She is the silence on my bad days and my raving fan on my good days, and I will spend the rest of my life indebted to her and the way she has treated me.

Knowing this might not last forever! It is here today! And I’m here today! I'll write down this love story in a Blue Ink Diary.

Smile!

Be good!

And stay safe my love!

Tonight..

“You gave me a song I learned to hum,

You showed me beauty through the windows of your soul,

And you showed me a world I've never seen!

Each, giving to each other love and giving it away,

We spent the valued time we didn’t knew was borrowed,

Cause you gave me the courage to live with yesterday,

And you gave me tomorrow.”

Tonight, when I go to sleep, I take this song with me and all the memories. I really treasure it. To me, it means caring about someone not just because they have something you want, but because you have something you want to give.

Tonight lying in my bed, I stare at the wall and try to remember you here with me, sleeping peacefully, holding my hand and not even knowing. Now looking back, every minute I wasted not being with you, I wish I could have that back. I miss you so much, I'm crying for no reason. Tonight, we didn't say goodnight like the other nights. It feels very empty like this. I hope you had a good day, a good reason for not being with me tonight to talk to me and tell me to create, write or click something. I was in bed by 12, like you wanted. I always send you a text right before sleeping (is safe in drafts) hoping that will help me dream about us...together.

It's so hard to be alone here without you. My heart hurts, thinking you're not 100% sure of being with me. My sincere words, my tears, are they not enough?

Tonight I fall asleep with dried tears on my face and all the memories next to me.

Goodnight!

Because We Ended As Lovers!

The myth continues...so does the argument. A boy and a girl can never be friends!!! People say, friends who are of the opposite sex truly and entirely confuse them. They don't understand how two people of opposite genders can be best friends. But then, as they say...friendship is the first step of love. So to be in love at first the boy and the girl needs to be friends, they need to know each other. They need to develop liking for each other. Two people of opposite genders don't usually hang out that much unless they're dating.

Well, I can already predict myself being very, very self-contradictory, but that's because I'm just so confused! The confusion induces from the term "Just friends". Probably it is the cloudiest term in the universe. Truthfully, how do you go from feeling for someone romantically to agreeing wholeheartedly that friendship is the only thing connecting you? The reality is, you don't. Romantic feelings persist; love is the most stubborn kind.

You meet someone. You become friends, you start knowing each other closely. And slowly you develop feelings for her. You go on a few dates. You have long talks and small adventures together. You start to fall for each other. You agree to be exclusive. You learn more and more about each others' lives, and the people in it. And as they say, there is not always a fairytale ending, things fall apart. You part your ways. You decide to remain friends. Time passes. Things change and gets complicated. We learn that the friend has moved to the city for the summer, and they are hanging out, playing music together while you are working. The more you hear about this friend, the more the realization hits you: you are still very much in love with her. You discover that in being in that kind of a relationship, you have actually lost parts of your friendship that you had really enjoyed. In the end, you just wanted to be friends. But ‘because you ended as lovers’, you can never actually go back to the way things used to be.

Known Sky...Unknown Colours!

The wheel of memories keeps spinning, I remember, it was one of those days in Pune, I wrote this fresher’s social welcome speech for the students from Assam...“We step out of our home, to a different city and different way of living, different culture, different language, different food to build our future...to a place unknown, to create our own identity.”

Now that I have stepped out of home again, for a short stint in another city to add more skills to my arsenal, am actually feeling it all over again. Someone rightly said...’Life is a perpetual initiation.’ We never actually reach a destination. So true actually! The same known sky...yet unknown colours!

Leaving home always makes me nostalgic, captured by the moment, in the magic of yesterday. But hope never fades away and the ambitious us makes us embark in new journeys...to new destinations. Living in a world outside home, is like fantasy...but as they say...”it is not what you go out to, it is what brings you back.” Yes, to be home, it’s a different feeling altogether, the way your parent’s eyes glow when they see you back, the care of a concerned sister, friends smiling down on me, giving me their energy, a joyful world around me and the love we share can never, never be taken away from me.

May be I can convince time to fasten up, with Papon Da singing ‘Sandhya Jetiya Name’ in the background, my heart yearns to be back home again, soon, to the wind that makes the tall grass lean and the raindrops that fall, they have a meaning.

Let's Play!

A country obsessed with cricket, so much so that people themselves complain other sports being neglected. Yet, cricket retains it ground. A country, where cricket is nothing less than a religion, makes the country stand united with every proud moment, yet it is the same religion which writes off every defeat in the worst possible manner. We make them our heroes and when they lose a game, we treat them as villains. A country so obsessed that we actually forget, that it’s a game and winning or losing is an integral part of it. This obsession is so contagious that at the post match presentation, after winning the historic 2^nd Test Match at Adelaide during 2003-04 tour to Australia, captain Sourav Ganguly commented on Rahul Dravid’s heroic performance, “Rahul played like God.”

And at times, when the team lost, probably all of us actually behaved as if the players have betrayed us. But then, should we forget some proud moments, the team has given us over the years? The World Cup victory in 1983, or the history defying VVS Laxman & Rahul Dravid partnership during the 2^nd Test Match at Kolkata in 2001 against Australia or the T20 World Cup victory in 2007 are just 3 defining moments of Indian cricket. The team actually is known for its famous comebacks, some of them probably affected by the huge fan following it have. How can we forgot, how some violent crowd mobbed into Md. Kaif’s home and painted the walls black, after a group match defeat during 2003 World Cup in South Africa and eventually the team ended the cup as Runners Up! Or can we forget how Zaheer Khan inspired a famous win at the Trent Bridge, during 2007 tour to England after a famous ‘Jelly Bean’ spilling incident on Indian players?

But with time, some bad performances, some vices such as match fixing and betting, it is obvious that people actually are losing interest in cricket, but it remains a game we still love. Like it or not, it’s World Cup time again. Now that another world cup is fast approaching, the country is again at its euphoric high, the whole country will be glued to cricket, let’s chant for Team India with true spirit, off course we want our team to win always. But let’s not forget that it’s a game, let’s not forget that the players are not actually God but are humans just like us, and they may falter when it’s not their day. Let’s not forget their commitment towards the game. Do we fans actually know that, VVS Laxman and Rahul Dravid were put into ‘saline’ during their 376 Runs partnership against Australia, Dravid was actually hospitalized but the next morning they came to bat again? So, let’s wish luck to our 15 fellow countrymen who embark on a journey tomorrow to win the coveted trophy, cheer them to make history once again, let’s chant ‘India India’!

An Ode To Music!

The New Year is already a month old. The month of February suddenly turns the year into just another year and there’s this sudden dash of mush into it, no wonder it’s the valentine month. Talking about love, we actually can’t have enough of it till we feel it, but talking about my first love of my life, it has the power to get me weak on my knees or to elate me a euphoric high and everything in between.

Frankly speaking, it cannot be defined. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to define Music. It’s indefinable, it travels, it stirs something within us. It impels us to prominence. It makes a friend out of a stranger. It gives a community culture and identity. Maybe music isn’t just enjoyable and exciting, maybe it is necessary.

Being at the realm of Music, I actually never felt any pain, maybe its magic. Such a healer it is! It’s one craziness, one obsession, one escape I looked up to at many times, and it always looked back at me with the perfect amount of care I needed. There are many times in life when you just wish people would listen, when you know in your heart that you are right, but you just can't get people to see it your way. It is just so frustrating when you can't talk some sense into people. As we grow older, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change . . . its music. Time change, people change, but it doesn’t. I bet you listen to music. Not everyone does. Music is one of the rare things we all have in common.

So as the year turns to another Valentine’s Day for me, without a Valentine I don't consider myself a ‘lonely heart.’ It's about love and this Valentine’s is for my first love…Music!

Through The Wits And Smiles...

Over the last few months I have realised that finding things to write about isn’t as difficult as it’s made out to be, especially irrelevant ones. To write about the year 2010 in a little note, I have to go down memory lane. Things at times were too dark to go alone and perplexingly long too. But at times it was amazingly easy. A year full of fun, thrill, happiness, excitement, association, reunion, creativity along with little bit of the necessary evil s, tears, sadness and dejection.

A year, which converted many social networking friends real ones, re united with many old long lost friends. Enajori.com, a dream so distant yet so close became a part of my life. Thanks to Himjyoti, Auditya, Santanu. New ventures seemed to follow me even to a shop, was offered my first professional photo shoot while buying the camera, without even knowing what functions my camera has. Thanks to all the Folkcult people, for believing in my abilities. People turned from acquaintances to friends, to ‘creative crime partners’, can’t resist mentioning your names, thank u Bhaskar, Bitupon & Shamim, many a times you people made life look so easy. Many a times, you actually made me feel like a ‘Superhero’. Chandralika, Priyankee, Sanghamitra...thank u, for always listening to all my woes with a smile. How can I forget my lazy angels, Alok, Debasish, Debarsish, Kabandi, Pallav, Purabi , Sima, & Sukanya, so lazy they are that they don’t carry their wings. I should not forget AIM, or the AIM Quest Team, one event so special and close to my heart, Himadri for making AIM a part of my life and all the friends I made there. All my Pune friends, especially Debraj, Prachurjya & Nandana, the geographical distance seemed so little every time we had a chat, thank you for being there always. Big thank you to my little friends, ‘bachha party’ as I call them, Darpan, Nayana, Sanskriti for always pepping me up. To all my new friends, a special thank you, for tolerating me, the way I am, yet helping me in the making of a better me.

The year, 2011 is actually almost one month old now (I being so laidback to write), all I would like to say is the 2010 was so wonderful with you people around, I wish the year 2011 be go fast through the evils of tears & negativity (nullify?) to be more happy, more fun & more creative through the wits and smiles...